bipolar holidays

When the holiday season started I was a little leery.  While my husband loves Christmas, it seems to be an opportune season for stress and uncomfortable episodes.

Strings of Christmas lights?  They seem an all too sure way to cause a manic episode.  Spending lots of money, extra dates on the calendar, all that the holidays involve.......

Then there are the Christmas memories.  The old Ghost of Christmases past thing.  Times when things were good.  Times when things were not so good. 

Extended family members have expectations.  They want a phone call from him.  He doesn't call.  They attempt to call him.  He ignores their calls......  It can become an endless cycle of yuck.

This year, a couple days before Christmas, my husband, daughter and I went to see a movie at the discount theater:  The Perks of Being a Wallflower.  Whoo!  There was a very real possibility, after seeing the movie, that my husband would go into full reflection and question mode.  Heck, I'm not bipolar, and I just about did.

I won't recap the entire story, but the main character, a high school freshman, went through a lot and discovered a lot....about himself, his family, his past, his future.   Personally, I thought back and through much of my high school years.  I thought about friends, about my family, about how I handled situations, about how naive I was to the suffering of people around me, about my rather safe and protected life.

And I reflected about my husband's life that wasn't as safe and wasn't as protected.  Towards the end of the movie, the main character's parents embrace him.  They offer support.  They offer love.  It's obvious they want him to be alright.  They are sorry for whatever grief and difficulty has come upon his short life and they want to help.  And you get the feeling that he makes it.  And that his family is not going to leave him out there.  Alone. 

Unfortunately, that's the quencher, the main difference between Charlie (the character) and my husband's situation.  His family didn't embrace or support or really "be there for him".  And though I can do all those things today, as his spouse, I can't go back and repair that breech.  I'm not sure his family could either, at this point.  What's done is done.  Forever.  And there are too many miles, too much water under the bridge, yada yada to change anything now in a real way.

So, while it's been a lovely holiday season so far.... no manic episodes, no anger, no immense sadness, I think there will always be a void.  There will always be questions.

From our kids, "Why don't dad's parents really know us?"
From me, "Why couldn't they have just loved, naturally?"
From him, "Where was that embrace on that bleak day I'll never forget?"

I wish you a happy new year, and if your spouse is bipolar, I wish you a little extra "happiness".

a little help

It's hard to know when to intervene.  When to ask if he needs help.

I am not pushy and I don't like pushy people.  Yet I'm his wife.  Yet I don't understand the role.  The role of the wife of a bipolar husband. 

He's smart and intuitive enough to know if I'm asking for the sake of asking.  I so want him to know I care.  That I love him and want him to be at peace.  Yet I feel I come across as if I want him to be at peace so I'll be at peace.  Like I'm selfish.

Do I think too much?  Do I ignore too much?  Do I have a clue?
 

to nag or not

I have a tendency to tell people what to do.  It's my way of trying to help people.  I realize once one reaches middle age, which I have, it can be an unbecoming trait.  People can perceive my giving of advice as nagging.

I find this self quality a difficulty when dealing with a bipolar mate.  My husband is independent to the extreme.  He can take care of himself.  Or at least that's  the perception to outsiders. 

While I was driving to my parent's/his inlaws last week for Thanksgiving,  my husband announced from the backseat,

"Oh crap.  I forgot my meds!"

He has one of those days of the week pill holders.  He'd left it in our bathroom.  I immediately asked if we should turn around.  I couldn't imagine him dealing with his mother-in-law for multiple days without his bipolar meds.  But, he said no.  He'd manage.

I've asked myself why I didn't remind him to make sure he had his pills.  I want to be a help to him.  I don't want to be a nag.  Is there a happy medium?

Consequently, he did fine mood wise without his lithium.  He did suffer from a constant headache.  But...there were no manic episodes or horrific mood swings.  He did quite well.  He also forgot his tennis shoes.  Which I neglected to ask if he had when we loaded the car.

maybe she's bipolar

I've heard it twice in the last couple weeks.

"Maybe so and so is bipolar."

It seems to be people's go-to response when a person is moody or acts in a way others might deem as, well as someone who might be bipolar.

It irks me.  Obviously because my husband is.  And the people these other folks are talking about most likely are not.

It's interesting to me because if someone acts out of the ordinary, it's highly unlikely someone would say,

"Maybe he was recently diagnosed with cancer.  That could explain his low mood."

We would never want to pin cancer on someone.  That's against societal norms.  But the term bipolar, it's almost acceptable to call someone this.

I'm thankful my husband's diagnosis has caused me to be more sensitive to the labels we put on others, whether they fit or not.

enough

I've read recently about "being enough" and I continue to read about it.  I often do not think I am.  Enough, that is.

Enough to handle being the wife of a bipolar husband.

I find myself not knowing what to say or do.  Should I ask him how he's feeling?  Should I pretend all is well?  Should I go through a check list each day, insuring he's not on the verge of a manic rage?

I have so many of my own inadequacies.  I am not patient and not always loving.  Though I want to be.  And it's my desire to be kind and helpful.

Does the wife of a bipolar husband look different or act different than the so called "normal" wife?   I try to be on the alert.  I try to tread lightly.

I don't want him to be uncomfortable.  I don't want him to be angry.  Yet these words seem to come with the territory.

I don't want it to be about me, and my comfort.  I don't want to be selfish.  Yet I want to work on improving the whole crazy scenario.  I want to be enough.

Yet I'm not sure if I will ever be. 

Enough.

the extra person

I feel as though there's an extra person in our house.  His name is Bipolar and I'll refer to him as B.P.  No one invited him to live with us.  No one asked him over for a visit.  He just moved in.  I suppose he came along when we began our life together as a married couple.  I just didn't recognize his presence then.

B.P. likes to wake my husband in the middle of the night.  He appears in his dreams, although he's not recognizable as a person, simply a presence.  B.P. sometimes shows up at meal time.  He often comes downstairs with my husband in the morning, yet sometimes he seems to stay in the bedroom.  He likes to make himself known when it's cold and dreary.  Maybe he summers somewhere else.

B.P. is almost like a ghost haunting our house.

B.P. is attracted to the people in our lives who inflict the most pain.  Those that hurt us seem to be the ones he likes to be around or talk about or remind us of.

Living with B.P. is at times like living with a grandparent you cannot leave alone at night.  He ties us down.  There are limitations to what we can do, where we can go, who can come over.  At least that's how it seems.  To me.   

I long to throw a going away party for B.P.  I'd like to send him packing.  I'd like to wake up one morning to find him gone.  I wouldn't mind driving him out in the middle of nowhere and leaving him.  But I know he'd find his way back. 

reasonable reasons?

I often believe there has to be a reason for this.  Something must have happened to make him bipolar.  It's hard to comprehend he was born with this.

• Is it the result of being an extreme Type A personality?
• Is it upbringing?
• Perfectionism and fear of failure?
• Was he abused as a child?
• Is there some traumatic childhood event that was so awful he cannot recall it?
• Is it someone's fault?  Is there someone I can blame?

Or is it like a disease that one acquires through no fault of his or her own?

I so want to probe and decipher and go back to where it began.  I want to try and change this.  Try and recover whatever's damaged.  Yet I realize that is most likely impossible.  I don't have that power or advantage.

I am a fixer.  I am a helper.  That's what I do.  I like to solve problems and this is a big one.  I don't like the inconvenience it provides my husband.  I don't like the way it makes him feel.  So I search and ponder and wonder.

Is there a reason?  Or is it......some people are bipolar.  Most are not.  But some are.  Live with it.

giving it a try

I let out a deep breath.  I'm not certain what to write, but since I entitled this blog "Let Us Not Mince Words" I will try to follow that mantra.

My husband was diagnosed as bipolar earlier this year.  We've been married twenty two years.  We have two teenage children, one of which will begin college in the fall.

We have so far shared the diagnosis with a counselor, my husband's doctors and of course his therapist.  His boss knows.  We have told our kids.  My husband has shared with a couple friends.  No other family members know.  No other work associates or neighbors.

I am still processing the newness of it all.  Sure, knowing explains A LOT.  It answers quite a few questions.  Yet, I still have so many.  Questions, that is.  I don't think I've fully comprehended what it all means or how to deal with it.

I decided yesterday, without much thought, to begin a blog about this.  I'm hoping to receive support from other wives who are facing this.  I'm hoping to connect and help and learn.  I enjoy writing.  I enjoy research.  So, why not?

Here's to us, the supporters of those facing bipolar-ness.  Help me if you can!  I thank you in advance.