down

I truly believe my bipolar husband is currently depressed.  He is struggling with multiple emotional pulls.  There are legitimate reasons for him to be down.

I very much want to help him.  And I can't seem to figure out how.  I ask how he's feeling.  He doesn't seem to want to discuss it much. 

I find myself in the throws of feeling horrible myself.  Partly because of my own insecurities in dealing with his sadness.  Partly because our marriage is in a rough place.  I am confused. I am frightened. 

I keep thinking he'll move out of this darkness.  He seems to want to and seems to be taking steps to help himself move out.  Which I'm thankful for. 

Yet I long to help him.  And I'm not sure if I can.  I long to be his wife, not just in the [he lives with me and we're technically married sense] but in the [I will confide in you sense].  The {for better or for worse} type of thing.

hurt

This post is different, as most, if not all entries I've previously posted have to do with being a bipolar spouse.  My current struggle might or might be related to this subject.  My guess is, like just about every marital issue when you're married to a person with bipolar, there is at least some chance the bipolar issue has something to do with it.

Anyway, my husband has decided to fervently pursue a "best friend" relationship with another woman.  She is his coworker.  They have become good friends.  I have worked through A LOT and have accepted they are going to be friends.  Whether or not I am always comfortable with it.

The thing is, he has researched, developed a list, and is all absorbed in making this friendship the strongest it can be.  Which is nice.  It is to be commended, right?  Everybody needs friends and all that. 

Meanwhile, our marriage is in the shitter.  We are in agreement to hang in there a few years until our kids are through a few life changes.  But he has voiced not seeing a reason to expect things will improve.  In other words, I don't think he has a list going on how to improve OUR relationship.  He's hurt.  He's tired. 

I'm trying to live with the fact he's passionate about strengthening his friendship with another female, all the while heartbroken that he's not passionate about trying to strengthen our marriage.  Their friendship is platonic.  I'm not concerned he's going to have sex with her.  I'm concerned that he is moving from being my husband and best friend, to being her best friend.  That she is everyday, becoming more of his confidant, support and person to have fun with.

And that hurts.  It's hard not to be jealous, even though I don't want to be.  It's hard not to be an emotional wreck.  It's a mess for me and I don't know what to do.

Today I begin counseling.  My husband does not want to go along.  I'll be on my own.  I hope it helps.  Helps me cope and understand.

Ideally, I'd like to restore the relationship with my husband and all the while, he and she remain friends.  I'd like to be better friends with her.  I'd like for her husband to join the three of us and we go out as couples. I'd like to live day to day without feeling hurt.    

shame

I am not ashamed by husband is bipolar.  On the contrary, I'm ashamed that I cannot be a better wife to him. 

I am insecure and I fail.  A lot. He certainly could use someone much different from me.

Last week, a friend told me I'm strong.  I have the strength to manage.  To get through.  This particular friend does not know my husband is bipolar.  Therefore, I don't know if he'd confirm I have enough strength to actually navigate this life.

I have read enough Brene Brown to know shame is wrong.  I shouldn't feel it.  I should discard it.  But, the reality is, shame is there.  Ever present.  Telling me I am a failure.  Not just on one occasion.  But as a totality. 

I imagine these are common feelings for the bipolar spouse.