We are in the throes of significant marital issues.
Which makes me afraid. And on edge. Weary and tired. Frustrated and alone.
Living with a bipolar spouse is not easy. Going through relational angst with a bipolar spouse is even less easy. Not knowing if bipolar is a contributing factor to any of it or most of it. Concerned for my husband's well being. And also concerned for my own. Wanting him to be at peace, while at the same time wanting him to be with me. Wondering how to make those two intersect. Can't they at some point?
Today I see my counselor. To discuss my own issues. Not so much the marital stuff but I suppose in a way the marital stuff. In that my issues are a contributing factor to our stuff. Yet I have to overcome my personal issues no matter how anything else ends up.
This month marks 25 years since we began dating. That's a long time to be with someone. A lot of years and memories to leave behind. Much to walk away from. Much to watch someone walk away from. The hopes for the future seemingly gone.
So I'm afraid. Because I want a future with my husband. I want to change. And it all seems so fragile. Easily broken and swept away. Like a glass object.
Showing posts with label marital issues. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marital issues. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
hurt
This post is different, as most, if not all entries I've previously posted have to do with being a bipolar spouse. My current struggle might or might be related to this subject. My guess is, like just about every marital issue when you're married to a person with bipolar, there is at least some chance the bipolar issue has something to do with it.
Anyway, my husband has decided to fervently pursue a "best friend" relationship with another woman. She is his coworker. They have become good friends. I have worked through A LOT and have accepted they are going to be friends. Whether or not I am always comfortable with it.
The thing is, he has researched, developed a list, and is all absorbed in making this friendship the strongest it can be. Which is nice. It is to be commended, right? Everybody needs friends and all that.
Meanwhile, our marriage is in the shitter. We are in agreement to hang in there a few years until our kids are through a few life changes. But he has voiced not seeing a reason to expect things will improve. In other words, I don't think he has a list going on how to improve OUR relationship. He's hurt. He's tired.
I'm trying to live with the fact he's passionate about strengthening his friendship with another female, all the while heartbroken that he's not passionate about trying to strengthen our marriage. Their friendship is platonic. I'm not concerned he's going to have sex with her. I'm concerned that he is moving from being my husband and best friend, to being her best friend. That she is everyday, becoming more of his confidant, support and person to have fun with.
And that hurts. It's hard not to be jealous, even though I don't want to be. It's hard not to be an emotional wreck. It's a mess for me and I don't know what to do.
Today I begin counseling. My husband does not want to go along. I'll be on my own. I hope it helps. Helps me cope and understand.
Ideally, I'd like to restore the relationship with my husband and all the while, he and she remain friends. I'd like to be better friends with her. I'd like for her husband to join the three of us and we go out as couples. I'd like to live day to day without feeling hurt.
Anyway, my husband has decided to fervently pursue a "best friend" relationship with another woman. She is his coworker. They have become good friends. I have worked through A LOT and have accepted they are going to be friends. Whether or not I am always comfortable with it.
The thing is, he has researched, developed a list, and is all absorbed in making this friendship the strongest it can be. Which is nice. It is to be commended, right? Everybody needs friends and all that.
Meanwhile, our marriage is in the shitter. We are in agreement to hang in there a few years until our kids are through a few life changes. But he has voiced not seeing a reason to expect things will improve. In other words, I don't think he has a list going on how to improve OUR relationship. He's hurt. He's tired.
I'm trying to live with the fact he's passionate about strengthening his friendship with another female, all the while heartbroken that he's not passionate about trying to strengthen our marriage. Their friendship is platonic. I'm not concerned he's going to have sex with her. I'm concerned that he is moving from being my husband and best friend, to being her best friend. That she is everyday, becoming more of his confidant, support and person to have fun with.
And that hurts. It's hard not to be jealous, even though I don't want to be. It's hard not to be an emotional wreck. It's a mess for me and I don't know what to do.
Today I begin counseling. My husband does not want to go along. I'll be on my own. I hope it helps. Helps me cope and understand.
Ideally, I'd like to restore the relationship with my husband and all the while, he and she remain friends. I'd like to be better friends with her. I'd like for her husband to join the three of us and we go out as couples. I'd like to live day to day without feeling hurt.
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