losing religion/gaining it too

I recently came across this:

It's a video of REM's song, Losing My Religion, done in a major key, as opposed to the minor the original was done in. While the song is not technically about losing one's religion, or even religious beliefs, it did bring to mind the changes my husband and I have faced worship-wise since he was diagnosed. 

These people who obviously have a great deal of time on their hands have taken the sad, melancholy type sound of the original song and made it perkier, so to speak.  Honestly, I really like the first one the best, but stick with me.  The point I'm trying to make is that we (my husband and I) for years and years were part of a worship system that said we must be happy, we must be relational, we must reach out to others, despite our own personal situation.  We were leaders in that type of setting.  We were preachers really, my husband literally, me figuratively, in a system that conveyed "in with the new, out with the old".  As in practices.  As in routine.  As in hymn singing and mundane, rote liturgy. A movement of people supposedly called to take the old, minor sounding routine and make it into something new and vibrant.

Then, almost suddenly for me, I came to realize that dark, rock show worship services with forceful worship leaders and driving drums wasn't really what was best for my husband.  Sure, on some days it was fine.  But if he enters a worship center with an already existing headache, which for him is common, the flashing lights and booming sound is not the best recipe for successful, heart felt worship.  Today's church is so focused on the emotional.  Worship leaders and pastors push people to some experiential happening.  Then they wrap it up and send folks on their way.

My husband and I have ventured away form this type of worship.  We've begun meeting as a family in our home on Sundays.  Just my husband, me and our two teenagers.  We vary what we do a bit, depending on the season and the week.

Sometimes we attend a downtown Episcopal church.  It's quite different of an environment than we grew up in or have previously been a part of as adults.  It offers a routine though, which seems good for my husband.  There are no surprises.  It's all laid out there on the program.  Same order, every week.  No one lays their hands on us.  No one yells or tries to conjure up anything.

I like that this particular church is light and bright, not dark.  It looks like a church.  While I'm there, I can focus on being there.  To me, it conveys the light of Christ and I never feel like we're focusing on one person or speaker, but on scripture and God. 

I find it difficult to discuss our current "religious experience" though.  Just today, two coworkers at different times asked me where we were attending.  Working in a Christian organization tends to lend itself to these discussions.  My reply was met enthusiastically by one coworker.  The other gave me the sense he thought we were off kilter.  If he only knew.......

Honestly, I could write for hours on our past church experiences:  the good/bad/ugly.   But right now, at this time in our lives, what we're doing is working for us and we're comfortable.  I wish I could be more secure in that.  I wish others (coworkers/family/etc) were more accepting. 

Before the bipolar diagnosis, I'd never considered that modern worship wasn't necessarily the best scenario for everyone.  Not to mention, I'm learning that for me, an introvert, the way I've experienced church in the past has left me unhappy, uncomfortable and feeling like I didn't measure up.  I don't think that's what Jesus had in mind.

empathy

I've heard this woman described before and she came up again in a meeting conversation.  I work with people who work with families of high need kids.  I don't get a lot of contact with the families, due to my position, but I feel like I know many of them in an acquaintance type way due to all that I hear about them.

The woman whose issues were deliberated on today is, from what I gather (and mind you I'm far from an expert), mentally unstable.  There's more to it than selfishness or bad parenting skills.  She is certifiably in need.  Or at least that's my opinion.

I realize we live in a world where a lot of people are just plain mean.  A lot of mothers are horrific at mothering and don't give a flying rat's ass about their kids.  But, I want to give this woman the benefit of the doubt and imagine she simply needs a doctor.   She doesn't have the money or the means or probably the desire to visit a psychologist or counselor who could steer her in the right direction. 

What gets me is there are probably many, as in an unfathomable number, of women and men facing this same type of scenario.  They're in a crappy domestic situation.  Their childhood maybe wasn't so lovely.  They have no one to rely on.  And they might not even have a clue that what they're feeling is an abnormality that can be helped. 

During the meeting, part of me wanted to interrupt and say something to the effect of:

"Friends, this may come as a surprise, but someone close to me is bipolar and I think this woman that we're discussing just might be too.  Or have some sort of manic issue or at least a good reason to get checked out.  How can we help get her to that point?  Sure, we care about her kids.  Sure, she seems mega selfish and sinful and ridiculous.  But, we don't know exactly what's going on inside her head."

I didn't say that.  And I don't regret not saying it, because I'm not certain it was the correct thing to say.  But I do wish there was more hope for people.

our girl

I go back and forth.  Our 14 year old daughter is moody.  I don't know if she's moody because all 14 year old girls are moody.  Or if she's moody because she has other issues.  She is difficult to talk with when she's in "a mood".  But again, so are all 14 year old girls.

I don't want to miss something.  I don't want to find out, years from now, we should have taken her to a counselor.  I don't want her to suffer if there's help to be found.

Conversely, if she's simply being a little jerk, acting selfish and purposefully temperamental, I want her to take a deep breath and get over it. 

I'm afraid confronting her with the possibility of seeking counseling would throw her into a place I don't want her to go.  I imagine her reacting as though we think she's nuts.  Which we don't. 

Yet, with a father who's been diagnosed as bipolar, I wonder if simply seeking a few answers isn't out of the question.  Perhaps it's the wise thing to do.  She has his personality, many of his behaviors, his characteristics, etc. 

Again though, I wrestle.  I remember being moody at her age; lashing out at my parents.  I remember feeling depressed, lonely, upset.  Even into my adult years I have struggled with staying "up".  Maybe I need counseling too.  Maybe all of us have issues and we should accept it.

People are so fragile.  I don't want to damage her psyche.  Yet I want to help.  I so desperately want to help.

just when

Just when I believe I'm a good wife.  Just when I believe I'm supportive.  Just when I believe we have all of this under control, I realize that I'm not so great and there's no controlling any of this. 

When I think everything's okay, I find out maybe it's not.  When I think we're living a fairly normal life, I realize it could all change very quickly. 

I am very unsuited for this role.  I am far too naive and unable to deal with reality. 

health care conundrum

My husband recently switched jobs, which was a really good thing, for a myriad of reasons. 

But, moving back into the not-for-profit world where the idea is you help people, is not always helpful to the actually HELPERS.

In other words, the employee benefits are not great. 

Without going into all of the nitty gritty details, I will say this:

The health care world does not seem to care about the world's health.  Especially the world's mental health.

Navigating how to best take care of yourself when you realize you're bipolar is not easy.  I've witnessed that.  But navigating this new way of life when your health insurance benefits are lacking, well, that's a recipe for disaster (aka manic episodes, breakdowns, etc.).

I realized in 2012 there are many, many people out there who are suffering from mental issues.  Some are extremely serious and life threatening.  Some are minor day to day, but can become huge if left undisturbed. 

It's frustrating.  Complaining doesn't help.  There's already a huge contingency of people lobbying for better health care.  Joining them most likely won't do any good in our particular situation. 

So, I'll continue hoping and praying we'll get through this minor glitch and he'll be comfortably sharing with his therapist on a regular basis soon.  Until then, well, it's hoping and praying.......

fathers daughters mothers sons

Last evening our daughter had a breakdown, of sorts.  After being told how to handle a particular situation she'd mentioned (that really wasn't a huge deal), she started crying.  Right at the dinner table.  My husband and I immediately went into sympathetic parent mode, trying to decipher what was wrong.  I asked question after question, trying to figure out how we'd gotten to this point.

We never determined what the issue was.

Was she tired?  Overwhelmed?  Worried?  She'd seemed alright earlier in the day.

After my husband and I turned out the lights in our bedroom, ready for sleep, our daughter knocked on our door asking to come in.  I was hoping she was now ready to share what she was feeling and I'm guessing my husband was too. 

But alas, no....  She had found out about an internet sale and was interested in purchasing a shirt.  She showed us a picture of it.  It wasn't the greatest deal, plus the shirt was totally out of character for her.  It wasn't something I'd see her as wearing.  It was almost like she needed to make this purchase to boost her mood.  We've been through this before with her.  She likes to shop; she likes new things.  Especially fashionable things.

What I'm getting at is this:  My daughter and husband share a very similar disposition.  He's bipolar.  What if she is too?  At what point should my curiosity become concern?  I would never, ever want to alarm her and cause her to stress about something that just isn't the case.  Maybe she's just a moody, emotional teenage girl.  But what if it's something more? 

put it out there?

I saw it first thing on Facebook this morning.  One of my coworkers made an announcement:  over 20 years ago he was molested.  Now he's a thirty-something adult.  A husband, father, coach, chaplain, preacher.... For whatever reason, he decided the New Year holiday was the time to share this with the general public.  I'm happy for him, that he felt the freedom and peace to do this.

Sometimes I wonder if it would be better if my husband would do such a thing:  "Hello world, I'm bipolar."  Of course, it would be up to him; his decision.  I'm curious if the rush of freedom is worth it. The putting it all out there, without shame or remorse.  "This is who I am."  Or for me, "this is who my husband is, and therefore who our family is."

I've never made such a declaration.  Yet I'm curious.  Will the day ever come when he will?  Will I be ready?  Will I handle the questions and comments well?  Or will it always be a private piece of our lives?

Today I'm fine with how it is.  But again, there might come a day when he isn't.  When he puts it out there, for all to know.