a year ago

A year ago I began this blog.  November 9, 2012.  From the stats listed, not too many have checked it out.  Which is fine.  I mostly meant it to be therapeutic. I haven't published an entry since April.

Actually, that's wrong.  I published an entry September 9.  Sometime in the early hours of September 10, I deleted it.  Yes, I got up in the middle of the night and erased the entry.  I tried to revive it out of the realms of cyberspace over the next few days, to no avail.  Which is probably for the best.  I called my husband an asshole in it.  And myself naive and stupid. 

Why today do I decide to record something?  I don't know.  Possibly because I feel so overtly alone in this.  My husband has people in his life (they're actually in both of our lives) who know he's bipolar.  People at work.  Friends outside.  Family members now.  But me, I have no one really to discuss it with.  No one to say, "Hey, I feel really crappy today because I don't know how to react to my husband."  I wish that could change. 

So many times I feel insecure and I'm not sure if it has anything to do with having a bipolar spouse or if it's simply because I'm a mess.  I question whether my husband wouldn't be better off without me in his life.  Will that ever change?  I hope so.

It takes a lot just to not sit in my closet and cry.  Sometimes I just wish I could cry because tears won't come.

I want to make myself record more.  Share more here.  Because at least my thoughts come out.  And maybe someday someone will offer a word of encouragement, which is extremely rare for me to receive.  Probably because no one knows I need it......