shame

I am not ashamed by husband is bipolar.  On the contrary, I'm ashamed that I cannot be a better wife to him. 

I am insecure and I fail.  A lot. He certainly could use someone much different from me.

Last week, a friend told me I'm strong.  I have the strength to manage.  To get through.  This particular friend does not know my husband is bipolar.  Therefore, I don't know if he'd confirm I have enough strength to actually navigate this life.

I have read enough Brene Brown to know shame is wrong.  I shouldn't feel it.  I should discard it.  But, the reality is, shame is there.  Ever present.  Telling me I am a failure.  Not just on one occasion.  But as a totality. 

I imagine these are common feelings for the bipolar spouse. 

alone

If I had to choose one word to describe how I feel as the spouse of a bipolar person, the word I'd choose is:

alone.

Or maybe lonely.  I'm indecisive, but you get the point.

I so often feel like there is no one who understands my perspective, no one who comprehends what our life is like. 

It's not that we have a bad life, but it's different.  Because of the moods.  The swings.  The meds.  The fact my husband thinks about suicide and his mind races.  Unless others know something I don't, I don't think that's what the average spouse deals with.

If my husband had diabetes, I'd tell people.  It would come up in conversation.  "I'd bake a pie, but my husband has diabetes."  That sort of thing.  If he had another serious physical ailment, I'd talk about it with coworkers, family, friends.  But because the illness is mental, it's not something I bring up.  Because I've found people have about 10,000 differing opinions about mental illness.  Everyone seems to be an expert.

Truthfully, I'm not one to openly discuss my feelings.  So I'm fine most of the time keeping this inside.  Yet I, at times, find myself alone, feeling like no one on the earth realizes what my last few months have been like.  

a year ago

A year ago I began this blog.  November 9, 2012.  From the stats listed, not too many have checked it out.  Which is fine.  I mostly meant it to be therapeutic. I haven't published an entry since April.

Actually, that's wrong.  I published an entry September 9.  Sometime in the early hours of September 10, I deleted it.  Yes, I got up in the middle of the night and erased the entry.  I tried to revive it out of the realms of cyberspace over the next few days, to no avail.  Which is probably for the best.  I called my husband an asshole in it.  And myself naive and stupid. 

Why today do I decide to record something?  I don't know.  Possibly because I feel so overtly alone in this.  My husband has people in his life (they're actually in both of our lives) who know he's bipolar.  People at work.  Friends outside.  Family members now.  But me, I have no one really to discuss it with.  No one to say, "Hey, I feel really crappy today because I don't know how to react to my husband."  I wish that could change. 

So many times I feel insecure and I'm not sure if it has anything to do with having a bipolar spouse or if it's simply because I'm a mess.  I question whether my husband wouldn't be better off without me in his life.  Will that ever change?  I hope so.

It takes a lot just to not sit in my closet and cry.  Sometimes I just wish I could cry because tears won't come.

I want to make myself record more.  Share more here.  Because at least my thoughts come out.  And maybe someday someone will offer a word of encouragement, which is extremely rare for me to receive.  Probably because no one knows I need it......

just when

Just when I believe I'm a good wife.  Just when I believe I'm supportive.  Just when I believe we have all of this under control, I realize that I'm not so great and there's no controlling any of this. 

When I think everything's okay, I find out maybe it's not.  When I think we're living a fairly normal life, I realize it could all change very quickly. 

I am very unsuited for this role.  I am far too naive and unable to deal with reality. 

a little help

It's hard to know when to intervene.  When to ask if he needs help.

I am not pushy and I don't like pushy people.  Yet I'm his wife.  Yet I don't understand the role.  The role of the wife of a bipolar husband. 

He's smart and intuitive enough to know if I'm asking for the sake of asking.  I so want him to know I care.  That I love him and want him to be at peace.  Yet I feel I come across as if I want him to be at peace so I'll be at peace.  Like I'm selfish.

Do I think too much?  Do I ignore too much?  Do I have a clue?
 

to nag or not

I have a tendency to tell people what to do.  It's my way of trying to help people.  I realize once one reaches middle age, which I have, it can be an unbecoming trait.  People can perceive my giving of advice as nagging.

I find this self quality a difficulty when dealing with a bipolar mate.  My husband is independent to the extreme.  He can take care of himself.  Or at least that's  the perception to outsiders. 

While I was driving to my parent's/his inlaws last week for Thanksgiving,  my husband announced from the backseat,

"Oh crap.  I forgot my meds!"

He has one of those days of the week pill holders.  He'd left it in our bathroom.  I immediately asked if we should turn around.  I couldn't imagine him dealing with his mother-in-law for multiple days without his bipolar meds.  But, he said no.  He'd manage.

I've asked myself why I didn't remind him to make sure he had his pills.  I want to be a help to him.  I don't want to be a nag.  Is there a happy medium?

Consequently, he did fine mood wise without his lithium.  He did suffer from a constant headache.  But...there were no manic episodes or horrific mood swings.  He did quite well.  He also forgot his tennis shoes.  Which I neglected to ask if he had when we loaded the car.

enough

I've read recently about "being enough" and I continue to read about it.  I often do not think I am.  Enough, that is.

Enough to handle being the wife of a bipolar husband.

I find myself not knowing what to say or do.  Should I ask him how he's feeling?  Should I pretend all is well?  Should I go through a check list each day, insuring he's not on the verge of a manic rage?

I have so many of my own inadequacies.  I am not patient and not always loving.  Though I want to be.  And it's my desire to be kind and helpful.

Does the wife of a bipolar husband look different or act different than the so called "normal" wife?   I try to be on the alert.  I try to tread lightly.

I don't want him to be uncomfortable.  I don't want him to be angry.  Yet these words seem to come with the territory.

I don't want it to be about me, and my comfort.  I don't want to be selfish.  Yet I want to work on improving the whole crazy scenario.  I want to be enough.

Yet I'm not sure if I will ever be. 

Enough.