We are in the throes of significant marital issues.
Which makes me afraid. And on edge. Weary and tired. Frustrated and alone.
Living with a bipolar spouse is not easy. Going through relational angst with a bipolar spouse is even less easy. Not knowing if bipolar is a contributing factor to any of it or most of it. Concerned for my husband's well being. And also concerned for my own. Wanting him to be at peace, while at the same time wanting him to be with me. Wondering how to make those two intersect. Can't they at some point?
Today I see my counselor. To discuss my own issues. Not so much the marital stuff but I suppose in a way the marital stuff. In that my issues are a contributing factor to our stuff. Yet I have to overcome my personal issues no matter how anything else ends up.
This month marks 25 years since we began dating. That's a long time to be with someone. A lot of years and memories to leave behind. Much to walk away from. Much to watch someone walk away from. The hopes for the future seemingly gone.
So I'm afraid. Because I want a future with my husband. I want to change. And it all seems so fragile. Easily broken and swept away. Like a glass object.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Friday, December 20, 2013
down
I truly believe my bipolar husband is currently depressed. He is struggling with multiple emotional pulls. There are legitimate reasons for him to be down.
I very much want to help him. And I can't seem to figure out how. I ask how he's feeling. He doesn't seem to want to discuss it much.
I find myself in the throws of feeling horrible myself. Partly because of my own insecurities in dealing with his sadness. Partly because our marriage is in a rough place. I am confused. I am frightened.
I keep thinking he'll move out of this darkness. He seems to want to and seems to be taking steps to help himself move out. Which I'm thankful for.
Yet I long to help him. And I'm not sure if I can. I long to be his wife, not just in the [he lives with me and we're technically married sense] but in the [I will confide in you sense]. The {for better or for worse} type of thing.
I very much want to help him. And I can't seem to figure out how. I ask how he's feeling. He doesn't seem to want to discuss it much.
I find myself in the throws of feeling horrible myself. Partly because of my own insecurities in dealing with his sadness. Partly because our marriage is in a rough place. I am confused. I am frightened.
I keep thinking he'll move out of this darkness. He seems to want to and seems to be taking steps to help himself move out. Which I'm thankful for.
Yet I long to help him. And I'm not sure if I can. I long to be his wife, not just in the [he lives with me and we're technically married sense] but in the [I will confide in you sense]. The {for better or for worse} type of thing.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
hurt
This post is different, as most, if not all entries I've previously posted have to do with being a bipolar spouse. My current struggle might or might be related to this subject. My guess is, like just about every marital issue when you're married to a person with bipolar, there is at least some chance the bipolar issue has something to do with it.
Anyway, my husband has decided to fervently pursue a "best friend" relationship with another woman. She is his coworker. They have become good friends. I have worked through A LOT and have accepted they are going to be friends. Whether or not I am always comfortable with it.
The thing is, he has researched, developed a list, and is all absorbed in making this friendship the strongest it can be. Which is nice. It is to be commended, right? Everybody needs friends and all that.
Meanwhile, our marriage is in the shitter. We are in agreement to hang in there a few years until our kids are through a few life changes. But he has voiced not seeing a reason to expect things will improve. In other words, I don't think he has a list going on how to improve OUR relationship. He's hurt. He's tired.
I'm trying to live with the fact he's passionate about strengthening his friendship with another female, all the while heartbroken that he's not passionate about trying to strengthen our marriage. Their friendship is platonic. I'm not concerned he's going to have sex with her. I'm concerned that he is moving from being my husband and best friend, to being her best friend. That she is everyday, becoming more of his confidant, support and person to have fun with.
And that hurts. It's hard not to be jealous, even though I don't want to be. It's hard not to be an emotional wreck. It's a mess for me and I don't know what to do.
Today I begin counseling. My husband does not want to go along. I'll be on my own. I hope it helps. Helps me cope and understand.
Ideally, I'd like to restore the relationship with my husband and all the while, he and she remain friends. I'd like to be better friends with her. I'd like for her husband to join the three of us and we go out as couples. I'd like to live day to day without feeling hurt.
Anyway, my husband has decided to fervently pursue a "best friend" relationship with another woman. She is his coworker. They have become good friends. I have worked through A LOT and have accepted they are going to be friends. Whether or not I am always comfortable with it.
The thing is, he has researched, developed a list, and is all absorbed in making this friendship the strongest it can be. Which is nice. It is to be commended, right? Everybody needs friends and all that.
Meanwhile, our marriage is in the shitter. We are in agreement to hang in there a few years until our kids are through a few life changes. But he has voiced not seeing a reason to expect things will improve. In other words, I don't think he has a list going on how to improve OUR relationship. He's hurt. He's tired.
I'm trying to live with the fact he's passionate about strengthening his friendship with another female, all the while heartbroken that he's not passionate about trying to strengthen our marriage. Their friendship is platonic. I'm not concerned he's going to have sex with her. I'm concerned that he is moving from being my husband and best friend, to being her best friend. That she is everyday, becoming more of his confidant, support and person to have fun with.
And that hurts. It's hard not to be jealous, even though I don't want to be. It's hard not to be an emotional wreck. It's a mess for me and I don't know what to do.
Today I begin counseling. My husband does not want to go along. I'll be on my own. I hope it helps. Helps me cope and understand.
Ideally, I'd like to restore the relationship with my husband and all the while, he and she remain friends. I'd like to be better friends with her. I'd like for her husband to join the three of us and we go out as couples. I'd like to live day to day without feeling hurt.
Monday, December 9, 2013
shame
I am not ashamed by husband is bipolar. On the contrary, I'm ashamed that I cannot be a better wife to him.
I am insecure and I fail. A lot. He certainly could use someone much different from me.
Last week, a friend told me I'm strong. I have the strength to manage. To get through. This particular friend does not know my husband is bipolar. Therefore, I don't know if he'd confirm I have enough strength to actually navigate this life.
I have read enough Brene Brown to know shame is wrong. I shouldn't feel it. I should discard it. But, the reality is, shame is there. Ever present. Telling me I am a failure. Not just on one occasion. But as a totality.
I imagine these are common feelings for the bipolar spouse.
I am insecure and I fail. A lot. He certainly could use someone much different from me.
Last week, a friend told me I'm strong. I have the strength to manage. To get through. This particular friend does not know my husband is bipolar. Therefore, I don't know if he'd confirm I have enough strength to actually navigate this life.
I have read enough Brene Brown to know shame is wrong. I shouldn't feel it. I should discard it. But, the reality is, shame is there. Ever present. Telling me I am a failure. Not just on one occasion. But as a totality.
I imagine these are common feelings for the bipolar spouse.
Saturday, November 16, 2013
if I was...
I feel horrible for admitting it, but most of the time I believe my husband would be better off if I was dead.
I don't know how many of our marital issues have to do with him being bipolar. I accept the blame for much. There are things we can't seem to work through. He doesn't believe I'll ever change. I try to change. I don't know if he believes I try. He doesn't believe it's possible for me to change. I could go on and on but it doesn't matter to you, the reader. You don't know me so it's impossible for you to analyze my situation without me giving you intimate details of the last 24+ years.
The fact is this. I find myself wishing I could contract a life threatening illness and die. Cancer, a brain tumor....something quick. A chance to say good bye to my children. A chance for my husband to be the noble husband and show his devotion. Then it would end. The kids would go on. He would go on. They would be better off because they'd be free of the fears of us imploding.
I sometimes wish I'd be hit by a car and instantly gone. But it would be better to say good bye. It would be better for it to be no fault of my own or anyone else's. Suicide is something I could never do. The people I love the most would blame themselves and question. Or blame each other which would be horrible.
The trouble with the illness issue is I'm extremely healthy physically. I'm middle aged and have no signs of any serious problems. I realize that could change overnight. I doubt it will. I've always felt I'll live to be near 90. I come from a family of long living women.
Truthfully, I adore my husband. I love him completely. I don't think he believes that. He thinks I love the security of having him around. That I love what he provides. I don't know how to prove to him that's not the case. It's an extremely difficult place to be.
I don't know how many of our marital issues have to do with him being bipolar. I accept the blame for much. There are things we can't seem to work through. He doesn't believe I'll ever change. I try to change. I don't know if he believes I try. He doesn't believe it's possible for me to change. I could go on and on but it doesn't matter to you, the reader. You don't know me so it's impossible for you to analyze my situation without me giving you intimate details of the last 24+ years.
The fact is this. I find myself wishing I could contract a life threatening illness and die. Cancer, a brain tumor....something quick. A chance to say good bye to my children. A chance for my husband to be the noble husband and show his devotion. Then it would end. The kids would go on. He would go on. They would be better off because they'd be free of the fears of us imploding.
I sometimes wish I'd be hit by a car and instantly gone. But it would be better to say good bye. It would be better for it to be no fault of my own or anyone else's. Suicide is something I could never do. The people I love the most would blame themselves and question. Or blame each other which would be horrible.
The trouble with the illness issue is I'm extremely healthy physically. I'm middle aged and have no signs of any serious problems. I realize that could change overnight. I doubt it will. I've always felt I'll live to be near 90. I come from a family of long living women.
Truthfully, I adore my husband. I love him completely. I don't think he believes that. He thinks I love the security of having him around. That I love what he provides. I don't know how to prove to him that's not the case. It's an extremely difficult place to be.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
alone
If I had to choose one word to describe how I feel as the spouse of a bipolar person, the word I'd choose is:
alone.
Or maybe lonely. I'm indecisive, but you get the point.
I so often feel like there is no one who understands my perspective, no one who comprehends what our life is like.
It's not that we have a bad life, but it's different. Because of the moods. The swings. The meds. The fact my husband thinks about suicide and his mind races. Unless others know something I don't, I don't think that's what the average spouse deals with.
If my husband had diabetes, I'd tell people. It would come up in conversation. "I'd bake a pie, but my husband has diabetes." That sort of thing. If he had another serious physical ailment, I'd talk about it with coworkers, family, friends. But because the illness is mental, it's not something I bring up. Because I've found people have about 10,000 differing opinions about mental illness. Everyone seems to be an expert.
Truthfully, I'm not one to openly discuss my feelings. So I'm fine most of the time keeping this inside. Yet I, at times, find myself alone, feeling like no one on the earth realizes what my last few months have been like.
alone.
Or maybe lonely. I'm indecisive, but you get the point.
I so often feel like there is no one who understands my perspective, no one who comprehends what our life is like.
It's not that we have a bad life, but it's different. Because of the moods. The swings. The meds. The fact my husband thinks about suicide and his mind races. Unless others know something I don't, I don't think that's what the average spouse deals with.
If my husband had diabetes, I'd tell people. It would come up in conversation. "I'd bake a pie, but my husband has diabetes." That sort of thing. If he had another serious physical ailment, I'd talk about it with coworkers, family, friends. But because the illness is mental, it's not something I bring up. Because I've found people have about 10,000 differing opinions about mental illness. Everyone seems to be an expert.
Truthfully, I'm not one to openly discuss my feelings. So I'm fine most of the time keeping this inside. Yet I, at times, find myself alone, feeling like no one on the earth realizes what my last few months have been like.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
a year ago
A year ago I began this blog. November 9, 2012. From the stats listed, not too many have checked it out. Which is fine. I mostly meant it to be therapeutic. I haven't published an entry since April.
Actually, that's wrong. I published an entry September 9. Sometime in the early hours of September 10, I deleted it. Yes, I got up in the middle of the night and erased the entry. I tried to revive it out of the realms of cyberspace over the next few days, to no avail. Which is probably for the best. I called my husband an asshole in it. And myself naive and stupid.
Why today do I decide to record something? I don't know. Possibly because I feel so overtly alone in this. My husband has people in his life (they're actually in both of our lives) who know he's bipolar. People at work. Friends outside. Family members now. But me, I have no one really to discuss it with. No one to say, "Hey, I feel really crappy today because I don't know how to react to my husband." I wish that could change.
So many times I feel insecure and I'm not sure if it has anything to do with having a bipolar spouse or if it's simply because I'm a mess. I question whether my husband wouldn't be better off without me in his life. Will that ever change? I hope so.
It takes a lot just to not sit in my closet and cry. Sometimes I just wish I could cry because tears won't come.
I want to make myself record more. Share more here. Because at least my thoughts come out. And maybe someday someone will offer a word of encouragement, which is extremely rare for me to receive. Probably because no one knows I need it......
Actually, that's wrong. I published an entry September 9. Sometime in the early hours of September 10, I deleted it. Yes, I got up in the middle of the night and erased the entry. I tried to revive it out of the realms of cyberspace over the next few days, to no avail. Which is probably for the best. I called my husband an asshole in it. And myself naive and stupid.
Why today do I decide to record something? I don't know. Possibly because I feel so overtly alone in this. My husband has people in his life (they're actually in both of our lives) who know he's bipolar. People at work. Friends outside. Family members now. But me, I have no one really to discuss it with. No one to say, "Hey, I feel really crappy today because I don't know how to react to my husband." I wish that could change.
So many times I feel insecure and I'm not sure if it has anything to do with having a bipolar spouse or if it's simply because I'm a mess. I question whether my husband wouldn't be better off without me in his life. Will that ever change? I hope so.
It takes a lot just to not sit in my closet and cry. Sometimes I just wish I could cry because tears won't come.
I want to make myself record more. Share more here. Because at least my thoughts come out. And maybe someday someone will offer a word of encouragement, which is extremely rare for me to receive. Probably because no one knows I need it......
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