I loved that song in high school. It's one of my favorite's from the 1980s. Since my last entry was a song title, why not this one?
In actuality, I chose "if you leave" because lately I've been thinking about that very thing. What if my husband leaves?
Two years ago at this time, we were in the process of selling a home and buying another. We were moving across town, and in many ways starting a new chapter in our lives.
I remember the morning. We'd already packed most of our furniture into a POD. We'd boxed nearly everything else. We awoke and my husband announced he'd had enough. He was done. It hit me somewhat out of the blue. It probably shouldn't have, as we'd been through a similar situation on Christmas Eve, just about a month before.
An announcement that our marriage was over. He was headed someplace else. Whether figuratively or literally, I wasn't sure.
Thankfully, both of these instances lasted less than a day. He spoke to someone who helped him see things a bit more clearly. He realized the enormity of what he was thinking about.
But the emotional toll on me was huge. I tend to piece myself together, to move on, to simply be thankful we got through the rough day. And I now find myself wondering if it will happen again. If he will truly leave. Move out, escape, buy a ticket across the world. Find someone else.
Realistically, I know this is a slim possibility. These episodes happened before he was diagnosed as bipolar. We better know what to look for now. He has professionals he can call or meet with. It's not just me and whoever I can get on the phone.
Yet it can be so frightenly difficult, wondering if a morning will begin with normalcy. Or with a, "I'll pack a bag at lunch. I won't be here when you get home from work."
It's not that I constantly dwell on this. I suppose it's mainly the time of year. An anniversary of sorts. Two years removed from the last worst day.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Friday, January 25, 2013
losing religion/gaining it too
I recently came across this:
It's a video of REM's song, Losing My Religion, done in a major key, as opposed to the minor the original was done in. While the song is not technically about losing one's religion, or even religious beliefs, it did bring to mind the changes my husband and I have faced worship-wise since he was diagnosed.
These people who obviously have a great deal of time on their hands have taken the sad, melancholy type sound of the original song and made it perkier, so to speak. Honestly, I really like the first one the best, but stick with me. The point I'm trying to make is that we (my husband and I) for years and years were part of a worship system that said we must be happy, we must be relational, we must reach out to others, despite our own personal situation. We were leaders in that type of setting. We were preachers really, my husband literally, me figuratively, in a system that conveyed "in with the new, out with the old". As in practices. As in routine. As in hymn singing and mundane, rote liturgy. A movement of people supposedly called to take the old, minor sounding routine and make it into something new and vibrant.
Then, almost suddenly for me, I came to realize that dark, rock show worship services with forceful worship leaders and driving drums wasn't really what was best for my husband. Sure, on some days it was fine. But if he enters a worship center with an already existing headache, which for him is common, the flashing lights and booming sound is not the best recipe for successful, heart felt worship. Today's church is so focused on the emotional. Worship leaders and pastors push people to some experiential happening. Then they wrap it up and send folks on their way.
My husband and I have ventured away form this type of worship. We've begun meeting as a family in our home on Sundays. Just my husband, me and our two teenagers. We vary what we do a bit, depending on the season and the week.
Sometimes we attend a downtown Episcopal church. It's quite different of an environment than we grew up in or have previously been a part of as adults. It offers a routine though, which seems good for my husband. There are no surprises. It's all laid out there on the program. Same order, every week. No one lays their hands on us. No one yells or tries to conjure up anything.
I like that this particular church is light and bright, not dark. It looks like a church. While I'm there, I can focus on being there. To me, it conveys the light of Christ and I never feel like we're focusing on one person or speaker, but on scripture and God.
I find it difficult to discuss our current "religious experience" though. Just today, two coworkers at different times asked me where we were attending. Working in a Christian organization tends to lend itself to these discussions. My reply was met enthusiastically by one coworker. The other gave me the sense he thought we were off kilter. If he only knew.......
Honestly, I could write for hours on our past church experiences: the good/bad/ugly. But right now, at this time in our lives, what we're doing is working for us and we're comfortable. I wish I could be more secure in that. I wish others (coworkers/family/etc) were more accepting.
Before the bipolar diagnosis, I'd never considered that modern worship wasn't necessarily the best scenario for everyone. Not to mention, I'm learning that for me, an introvert, the way I've experienced church in the past has left me unhappy, uncomfortable and feeling like I didn't measure up. I don't think that's what Jesus had in mind.
It's a video of REM's song, Losing My Religion, done in a major key, as opposed to the minor the original was done in. While the song is not technically about losing one's religion, or even religious beliefs, it did bring to mind the changes my husband and I have faced worship-wise since he was diagnosed.
These people who obviously have a great deal of time on their hands have taken the sad, melancholy type sound of the original song and made it perkier, so to speak. Honestly, I really like the first one the best, but stick with me. The point I'm trying to make is that we (my husband and I) for years and years were part of a worship system that said we must be happy, we must be relational, we must reach out to others, despite our own personal situation. We were leaders in that type of setting. We were preachers really, my husband literally, me figuratively, in a system that conveyed "in with the new, out with the old". As in practices. As in routine. As in hymn singing and mundane, rote liturgy. A movement of people supposedly called to take the old, minor sounding routine and make it into something new and vibrant.
Then, almost suddenly for me, I came to realize that dark, rock show worship services with forceful worship leaders and driving drums wasn't really what was best for my husband. Sure, on some days it was fine. But if he enters a worship center with an already existing headache, which for him is common, the flashing lights and booming sound is not the best recipe for successful, heart felt worship. Today's church is so focused on the emotional. Worship leaders and pastors push people to some experiential happening. Then they wrap it up and send folks on their way.
My husband and I have ventured away form this type of worship. We've begun meeting as a family in our home on Sundays. Just my husband, me and our two teenagers. We vary what we do a bit, depending on the season and the week.
Sometimes we attend a downtown Episcopal church. It's quite different of an environment than we grew up in or have previously been a part of as adults. It offers a routine though, which seems good for my husband. There are no surprises. It's all laid out there on the program. Same order, every week. No one lays their hands on us. No one yells or tries to conjure up anything.
I like that this particular church is light and bright, not dark. It looks like a church. While I'm there, I can focus on being there. To me, it conveys the light of Christ and I never feel like we're focusing on one person or speaker, but on scripture and God.
I find it difficult to discuss our current "religious experience" though. Just today, two coworkers at different times asked me where we were attending. Working in a Christian organization tends to lend itself to these discussions. My reply was met enthusiastically by one coworker. The other gave me the sense he thought we were off kilter. If he only knew.......
Honestly, I could write for hours on our past church experiences: the good/bad/ugly. But right now, at this time in our lives, what we're doing is working for us and we're comfortable. I wish I could be more secure in that. I wish others (coworkers/family/etc) were more accepting.
Before the bipolar diagnosis, I'd never considered that modern worship wasn't necessarily the best scenario for everyone. Not to mention, I'm learning that for me, an introvert, the way I've experienced church in the past has left me unhappy, uncomfortable and feeling like I didn't measure up. I don't think that's what Jesus had in mind.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
empathy
I've heard this woman described before and she came up again in a meeting conversation. I work with people who work with families of high need kids. I don't get a lot of contact with the families, due to my position, but I feel like I know many of them in an acquaintance type way due to all that I hear about them.
The woman whose issues were deliberated on today is, from what I gather (and mind you I'm far from an expert), mentally unstable. There's more to it than selfishness or bad parenting skills. She is certifiably in need. Or at least that's my opinion.
I realize we live in a world where a lot of people are just plain mean. A lot of mothers are horrific at mothering and don't give a flying rat's ass about their kids. But, I want to give this woman the benefit of the doubt and imagine she simply needs a doctor. She doesn't have the money or the means or probably the desire to visit a psychologist or counselor who could steer her in the right direction.
What gets me is there are probably many, as in an unfathomable number, of women and men facing this same type of scenario. They're in a crappy domestic situation. Their childhood maybe wasn't so lovely. They have no one to rely on. And they might not even have a clue that what they're feeling is an abnormality that can be helped.
During the meeting, part of me wanted to interrupt and say something to the effect of:
"Friends, this may come as a surprise, but someone close to me is bipolar and I think this woman that we're discussing just might be too. Or have some sort of manic issue or at least a good reason to get checked out. How can we help get her to that point? Sure, we care about her kids. Sure, she seems mega selfish and sinful and ridiculous. But, we don't know exactly what's going on inside her head."
I didn't say that. And I don't regret not saying it, because I'm not certain it was the correct thing to say. But I do wish there was more hope for people.
The woman whose issues were deliberated on today is, from what I gather (and mind you I'm far from an expert), mentally unstable. There's more to it than selfishness or bad parenting skills. She is certifiably in need. Or at least that's my opinion.
I realize we live in a world where a lot of people are just plain mean. A lot of mothers are horrific at mothering and don't give a flying rat's ass about their kids. But, I want to give this woman the benefit of the doubt and imagine she simply needs a doctor. She doesn't have the money or the means or probably the desire to visit a psychologist or counselor who could steer her in the right direction.
What gets me is there are probably many, as in an unfathomable number, of women and men facing this same type of scenario. They're in a crappy domestic situation. Their childhood maybe wasn't so lovely. They have no one to rely on. And they might not even have a clue that what they're feeling is an abnormality that can be helped.
During the meeting, part of me wanted to interrupt and say something to the effect of:
"Friends, this may come as a surprise, but someone close to me is bipolar and I think this woman that we're discussing just might be too. Or have some sort of manic issue or at least a good reason to get checked out. How can we help get her to that point? Sure, we care about her kids. Sure, she seems mega selfish and sinful and ridiculous. But, we don't know exactly what's going on inside her head."
I didn't say that. And I don't regret not saying it, because I'm not certain it was the correct thing to say. But I do wish there was more hope for people.
Friday, January 18, 2013
our girl
I go back and forth. Our 14 year old daughter is moody. I don't know if she's moody because all 14 year old girls are moody. Or if she's moody because she has other issues. She is difficult to talk with when she's in "a mood". But again, so are all 14 year old girls.
I don't want to miss something. I don't want to find out, years from now, we should have taken her to a counselor. I don't want her to suffer if there's help to be found.
Conversely, if she's simply being a little jerk, acting selfish and purposefully temperamental, I want her to take a deep breath and get over it.
I'm afraid confronting her with the possibility of seeking counseling would throw her into a place I don't want her to go. I imagine her reacting as though we think she's nuts. Which we don't.
Yet, with a father who's been diagnosed as bipolar, I wonder if simply seeking a few answers isn't out of the question. Perhaps it's the wise thing to do. She has his personality, many of his behaviors, his characteristics, etc.
Again though, I wrestle. I remember being moody at her age; lashing out at my parents. I remember feeling depressed, lonely, upset. Even into my adult years I have struggled with staying "up". Maybe I need counseling too. Maybe all of us have issues and we should accept it.
People are so fragile. I don't want to damage her psyche. Yet I want to help. I so desperately want to help.
I don't want to miss something. I don't want to find out, years from now, we should have taken her to a counselor. I don't want her to suffer if there's help to be found.
Conversely, if she's simply being a little jerk, acting selfish and purposefully temperamental, I want her to take a deep breath and get over it.
I'm afraid confronting her with the possibility of seeking counseling would throw her into a place I don't want her to go. I imagine her reacting as though we think she's nuts. Which we don't.
Yet, with a father who's been diagnosed as bipolar, I wonder if simply seeking a few answers isn't out of the question. Perhaps it's the wise thing to do. She has his personality, many of his behaviors, his characteristics, etc.
Again though, I wrestle. I remember being moody at her age; lashing out at my parents. I remember feeling depressed, lonely, upset. Even into my adult years I have struggled with staying "up". Maybe I need counseling too. Maybe all of us have issues and we should accept it.
People are so fragile. I don't want to damage her psyche. Yet I want to help. I so desperately want to help.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
just when
Just when I believe I'm a good wife. Just when I believe I'm supportive. Just when I believe we have all of this under control, I realize that I'm not so great and there's no controlling any of this.
When I think everything's okay, I find out maybe it's not. When I think we're living a fairly normal life, I realize it could all change very quickly.
I am very unsuited for this role. I am far too naive and unable to deal with reality.
When I think everything's okay, I find out maybe it's not. When I think we're living a fairly normal life, I realize it could all change very quickly.
I am very unsuited for this role. I am far too naive and unable to deal with reality.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
health care conundrum
My husband recently switched jobs, which was a really good thing, for a myriad of reasons.
But, moving back into the not-for-profit world where the idea is you help people, is not always helpful to the actually HELPERS.
In other words, the employee benefits are not great.
Without going into all of the nitty gritty details, I will say this:
The health care world does not seem to care about the world's health. Especially the world's mental health.
Navigating how to best take care of yourself when you realize you're bipolar is not easy. I've witnessed that. But navigating this new way of life when your health insurance benefits are lacking, well, that's a recipe for disaster (aka manic episodes, breakdowns, etc.).
I realized in 2012 there are many, many people out there who are suffering from mental issues. Some are extremely serious and life threatening. Some are minor day to day, but can become huge if left undisturbed.
It's frustrating. Complaining doesn't help. There's already a huge contingency of people lobbying for better health care. Joining them most likely won't do any good in our particular situation.
So, I'll continue hoping and praying we'll get through this minor glitch and he'll be comfortably sharing with his therapist on a regular basis soon. Until then, well, it's hoping and praying.......
But, moving back into the not-for-profit world where the idea is you help people, is not always helpful to the actually HELPERS.
In other words, the employee benefits are not great.
Without going into all of the nitty gritty details, I will say this:
The health care world does not seem to care about the world's health. Especially the world's mental health.
Navigating how to best take care of yourself when you realize you're bipolar is not easy. I've witnessed that. But navigating this new way of life when your health insurance benefits are lacking, well, that's a recipe for disaster (aka manic episodes, breakdowns, etc.).
I realized in 2012 there are many, many people out there who are suffering from mental issues. Some are extremely serious and life threatening. Some are minor day to day, but can become huge if left undisturbed.
It's frustrating. Complaining doesn't help. There's already a huge contingency of people lobbying for better health care. Joining them most likely won't do any good in our particular situation.
So, I'll continue hoping and praying we'll get through this minor glitch and he'll be comfortably sharing with his therapist on a regular basis soon. Until then, well, it's hoping and praying.......
Monday, January 7, 2013
fathers daughters mothers sons
Last evening our daughter had a breakdown, of sorts. After being told how to handle a particular situation she'd mentioned (that really wasn't a huge deal), she started crying. Right at the dinner table. My husband and I immediately went into sympathetic parent mode, trying to decipher what was wrong. I asked question after question, trying to figure out how we'd gotten to this point.
We never determined what the issue was.
Was she tired? Overwhelmed? Worried? She'd seemed alright earlier in the day.
After my husband and I turned out the lights in our bedroom, ready for sleep, our daughter knocked on our door asking to come in. I was hoping she was now ready to share what she was feeling and I'm guessing my husband was too.
But alas, no.... She had found out about an internet sale and was interested in purchasing a shirt. She showed us a picture of it. It wasn't the greatest deal, plus the shirt was totally out of character for her. It wasn't something I'd see her as wearing. It was almost like she needed to make this purchase to boost her mood. We've been through this before with her. She likes to shop; she likes new things. Especially fashionable things.
What I'm getting at is this: My daughter and husband share a very similar disposition. He's bipolar. What if she is too? At what point should my curiosity become concern? I would never, ever want to alarm her and cause her to stress about something that just isn't the case. Maybe she's just a moody, emotional teenage girl. But what if it's something more?
We never determined what the issue was.
Was she tired? Overwhelmed? Worried? She'd seemed alright earlier in the day.
After my husband and I turned out the lights in our bedroom, ready for sleep, our daughter knocked on our door asking to come in. I was hoping she was now ready to share what she was feeling and I'm guessing my husband was too.
But alas, no.... She had found out about an internet sale and was interested in purchasing a shirt. She showed us a picture of it. It wasn't the greatest deal, plus the shirt was totally out of character for her. It wasn't something I'd see her as wearing. It was almost like she needed to make this purchase to boost her mood. We've been through this before with her. She likes to shop; she likes new things. Especially fashionable things.
What I'm getting at is this: My daughter and husband share a very similar disposition. He's bipolar. What if she is too? At what point should my curiosity become concern? I would never, ever want to alarm her and cause her to stress about something that just isn't the case. Maybe she's just a moody, emotional teenage girl. But what if it's something more?
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