our girl

I go back and forth.  Our 14 year old daughter is moody.  I don't know if she's moody because all 14 year old girls are moody.  Or if she's moody because she has other issues.  She is difficult to talk with when she's in "a mood".  But again, so are all 14 year old girls.

I don't want to miss something.  I don't want to find out, years from now, we should have taken her to a counselor.  I don't want her to suffer if there's help to be found.

Conversely, if she's simply being a little jerk, acting selfish and purposefully temperamental, I want her to take a deep breath and get over it. 

I'm afraid confronting her with the possibility of seeking counseling would throw her into a place I don't want her to go.  I imagine her reacting as though we think she's nuts.  Which we don't. 

Yet, with a father who's been diagnosed as bipolar, I wonder if simply seeking a few answers isn't out of the question.  Perhaps it's the wise thing to do.  She has his personality, many of his behaviors, his characteristics, etc. 

Again though, I wrestle.  I remember being moody at her age; lashing out at my parents.  I remember feeling depressed, lonely, upset.  Even into my adult years I have struggled with staying "up".  Maybe I need counseling too.  Maybe all of us have issues and we should accept it.

People are so fragile.  I don't want to damage her psyche.  Yet I want to help.  I so desperately want to help.

just when

Just when I believe I'm a good wife.  Just when I believe I'm supportive.  Just when I believe we have all of this under control, I realize that I'm not so great and there's no controlling any of this. 

When I think everything's okay, I find out maybe it's not.  When I think we're living a fairly normal life, I realize it could all change very quickly. 

I am very unsuited for this role.  I am far too naive and unable to deal with reality. 

health care conundrum

My husband recently switched jobs, which was a really good thing, for a myriad of reasons. 

But, moving back into the not-for-profit world where the idea is you help people, is not always helpful to the actually HELPERS.

In other words, the employee benefits are not great. 

Without going into all of the nitty gritty details, I will say this:

The health care world does not seem to care about the world's health.  Especially the world's mental health.

Navigating how to best take care of yourself when you realize you're bipolar is not easy.  I've witnessed that.  But navigating this new way of life when your health insurance benefits are lacking, well, that's a recipe for disaster (aka manic episodes, breakdowns, etc.).

I realized in 2012 there are many, many people out there who are suffering from mental issues.  Some are extremely serious and life threatening.  Some are minor day to day, but can become huge if left undisturbed. 

It's frustrating.  Complaining doesn't help.  There's already a huge contingency of people lobbying for better health care.  Joining them most likely won't do any good in our particular situation. 

So, I'll continue hoping and praying we'll get through this minor glitch and he'll be comfortably sharing with his therapist on a regular basis soon.  Until then, well, it's hoping and praying.......

fathers daughters mothers sons

Last evening our daughter had a breakdown, of sorts.  After being told how to handle a particular situation she'd mentioned (that really wasn't a huge deal), she started crying.  Right at the dinner table.  My husband and I immediately went into sympathetic parent mode, trying to decipher what was wrong.  I asked question after question, trying to figure out how we'd gotten to this point.

We never determined what the issue was.

Was she tired?  Overwhelmed?  Worried?  She'd seemed alright earlier in the day.

After my husband and I turned out the lights in our bedroom, ready for sleep, our daughter knocked on our door asking to come in.  I was hoping she was now ready to share what she was feeling and I'm guessing my husband was too. 

But alas, no....  She had found out about an internet sale and was interested in purchasing a shirt.  She showed us a picture of it.  It wasn't the greatest deal, plus the shirt was totally out of character for her.  It wasn't something I'd see her as wearing.  It was almost like she needed to make this purchase to boost her mood.  We've been through this before with her.  She likes to shop; she likes new things.  Especially fashionable things.

What I'm getting at is this:  My daughter and husband share a very similar disposition.  He's bipolar.  What if she is too?  At what point should my curiosity become concern?  I would never, ever want to alarm her and cause her to stress about something that just isn't the case.  Maybe she's just a moody, emotional teenage girl.  But what if it's something more? 

put it out there?

I saw it first thing on Facebook this morning.  One of my coworkers made an announcement:  over 20 years ago he was molested.  Now he's a thirty-something adult.  A husband, father, coach, chaplain, preacher.... For whatever reason, he decided the New Year holiday was the time to share this with the general public.  I'm happy for him, that he felt the freedom and peace to do this.

Sometimes I wonder if it would be better if my husband would do such a thing:  "Hello world, I'm bipolar."  Of course, it would be up to him; his decision.  I'm curious if the rush of freedom is worth it. The putting it all out there, without shame or remorse.  "This is who I am."  Or for me, "this is who my husband is, and therefore who our family is."

I've never made such a declaration.  Yet I'm curious.  Will the day ever come when he will?  Will I be ready?  Will I handle the questions and comments well?  Or will it always be a private piece of our lives?

Today I'm fine with how it is.  But again, there might come a day when he isn't.  When he puts it out there, for all to know.

bipolar holidays

When the holiday season started I was a little leery.  While my husband loves Christmas, it seems to be an opportune season for stress and uncomfortable episodes.

Strings of Christmas lights?  They seem an all too sure way to cause a manic episode.  Spending lots of money, extra dates on the calendar, all that the holidays involve.......

Then there are the Christmas memories.  The old Ghost of Christmases past thing.  Times when things were good.  Times when things were not so good. 

Extended family members have expectations.  They want a phone call from him.  He doesn't call.  They attempt to call him.  He ignores their calls......  It can become an endless cycle of yuck.

This year, a couple days before Christmas, my husband, daughter and I went to see a movie at the discount theater:  The Perks of Being a Wallflower.  Whoo!  There was a very real possibility, after seeing the movie, that my husband would go into full reflection and question mode.  Heck, I'm not bipolar, and I just about did.

I won't recap the entire story, but the main character, a high school freshman, went through a lot and discovered a lot....about himself, his family, his past, his future.   Personally, I thought back and through much of my high school years.  I thought about friends, about my family, about how I handled situations, about how naive I was to the suffering of people around me, about my rather safe and protected life.

And I reflected about my husband's life that wasn't as safe and wasn't as protected.  Towards the end of the movie, the main character's parents embrace him.  They offer support.  They offer love.  It's obvious they want him to be alright.  They are sorry for whatever grief and difficulty has come upon his short life and they want to help.  And you get the feeling that he makes it.  And that his family is not going to leave him out there.  Alone. 

Unfortunately, that's the quencher, the main difference between Charlie (the character) and my husband's situation.  His family didn't embrace or support or really "be there for him".  And though I can do all those things today, as his spouse, I can't go back and repair that breech.  I'm not sure his family could either, at this point.  What's done is done.  Forever.  And there are too many miles, too much water under the bridge, yada yada to change anything now in a real way.

So, while it's been a lovely holiday season so far.... no manic episodes, no anger, no immense sadness, I think there will always be a void.  There will always be questions.

From our kids, "Why don't dad's parents really know us?"
From me, "Why couldn't they have just loved, naturally?"
From him, "Where was that embrace on that bleak day I'll never forget?"

I wish you a happy new year, and if your spouse is bipolar, I wish you a little extra "happiness".

a little help

It's hard to know when to intervene.  When to ask if he needs help.

I am not pushy and I don't like pushy people.  Yet I'm his wife.  Yet I don't understand the role.  The role of the wife of a bipolar husband. 

He's smart and intuitive enough to know if I'm asking for the sake of asking.  I so want him to know I care.  That I love him and want him to be at peace.  Yet I feel I come across as if I want him to be at peace so I'll be at peace.  Like I'm selfish.

Do I think too much?  Do I ignore too much?  Do I have a clue?